Are Compulsive Sexual Behaviors Putting Your Relationship At Risk?
Have you been engaging in sexual acts without your partner’s consent? Believing that your partner wouldn’t approve, you may have been hiding certain behaviors from them. If you’ve recently been “found out,” you may now be faced with your partner’s disapproval, anger, and distrust.
Are you unable to control your sexual actions, no matter how hard you try? Despite how badly you want to quit, are you stuck in a cycle of secrecy, pleasure, and shame? Everything from your finances to your career may have been affected. If so, you may feel frustrated and depressed.
Have your attempts to cover up your sexual acts or fantasies created an emotional distance between you and your partner? If your actions were recently revealed, that distance likely became vast. Any guilt or shame you’ve been feeling may also have been magnified, especially if your behaviors go against your moral or spiritual beliefs.
Do you wonder if your partner will ever be able to trust you again, even if you manage to get your behaviors under control? They may have told you that the relationship is over. Even if they do seem willing to try to reconcile, you may be at a loss for how to restore intimacy after your infidelity.
Nevertheless, even if things seem hopeless right now, it is possible to banish your addiction and—with your partner by your side—learn how to recover your relationship.
Millions Of Americans Struggle With Sexual Addiction
According to the Mayo Clinic, hypersexuality disorder arises when sexual behaviors “become a major focus in your life, are difficult to control, and are disruptive or harmful to you or others.” Recognized by the World Health Organization as a diagnosable disease, compulsive sexual behavior disorder (CSBD) affects an estimated 1 out of every 20 adults. Whether you’re excessively preoccupied with pornography, prostitutes, or some other sexual experience, you’re not alone.
It’s also important to recognize that your struggles with sexual addiction aren’t a reflection of your moral character. If a trauma or other life experiences have taught you to fear connection or avoid vulnerability, it is only natural that you would seek out alternative forms of closeness. Sex—which floods the brain with mood-boosting neurochemicals—may be the only way you know how to cope with your anxiety, depression, or other mental challenges.
Addiction can take many forms. Some people are addicted to alcohol or illicit substances, while others struggle to control their shopping, gambling, or other unhealthy behaviors. For many sexually addicted people, masturbation or another sexual behavior was simply the first potential coping strategy that presented itself.
Masturbation is a typical soothing behavior children and adolescents turn to during times of stress. But for many people, a sexual behavior that starts out as a developmental norm can become compulsive. Considering how easy it is to find porn and meet sexual partners online, it is no surprise that so many people’s sexual activities escalate to problematic and addictive levels.
If you’ve been indulging in problematic sexual behaviors for a long time, you may feel skeptical that you could ever quit. However, infidelity counseling can help you imagine a future free from addiction and pursue open, intimate, and mutually satisfying relationships.
Infidelity Couples Counseling Can Teach You How To Restore Trust And Intimacy
Saying that you will change is an important step in restoring your relationship after cheating. However, promises alone will likely be insufficient for your betrayed partner. In all likelihood, they will be waiting and watching for you to make behavioral changes before they recommit to the relationship. So an essential part of repairing your relationship will be to rid yourself of unwanted sexual behaviors.
Your path to overcoming sexual addiction will start with a detailed assessment to determine the depth of the concern. Ideally, your partner will be present for our initial meeting so that I can better understand the challenges you’ve been facing and what goals you both have for the relationship. If your partner isn’t ready or willing to come to therapy at this point, that’s okay—we can complete the initial consultation.
Next, I will begin individual sexual addiction treatment with you. From your dietary choices and sleep habits to your physical activity and family relationships, we’ll explore resources, coping strategies, and self-care opportunities that can make you more resilient. I can also teach you mindfulness tools you may find helpful for moderating emotions and controlling sexual urges.
Many people who have compulsive sexual behaviors find it difficult to rely on others. Infidelity therapy will help you overcome these intimacy issues by providing a safe and nonjudgmental place where you can express your authentic self. The respect and compassion I will show you during our sessions will help you overcome any shame you may be feeling and see that you deserve to be loved and accepted despite past discretions. We will also work on your communication skills, helping you to better understand, identify, and voice your emotions—skills you’ll need to rebuild your relationship.
During the course of individual therapy, I may recommend that you take advantage of my sexual addiction recovery group. Connecting with people struggling with similar issues will help you see that you are not alone and provide the relief of truly being heard and understood. The group can also help you stay accountable for your actions and find healthier ways of coping when you’re feeling triggered.
Once we have established a stable foundation for mending your relationship and you have demonstrated control over your unwanted behavior, we will bring your partner back in to join us. Before you can ask them to begin trusting you again, sexual indiscretions that have impacted your relationship need to be revealed. Coming clean will allow your partner to make an informed decision on whether to move forward with the relationship. Understanding your sexual history can also help alleviate any feelings of insecurity or self-blame they may have been struggling with. This truth-revealing process is known as a Formal Therapeutic Disclosure (FTD).
If your partner agrees to move forward, we can begin the joint portion of infidelity couples counseling. Working side-by-side toward your relationship goals will help you to put the lessons you’ve learned during individual therapy into practice. As we shift our focus from you as an individual to the two of you as a couple, I’ll encourage you to prioritize your relationship over all other aspects of your life.
Most people don’t know how to restore intimacy after infidelity, and this process takes time. To foster continual progress, I’ll suggest small but important steps you can take to gradually restore emotional safety and trust—the building blocks of intimacy. The safe and calming environment that therapy provides will allow you to discuss difficult subjects more easily and openly than going it alone, allowing the trust between you to grow.
Infidelity counseling will teach you and your loved one to rely on one another in times of both joy and crisis. At first, you will most likely depend on me to help you stay calm during stressful moments, but you will soon become more dependent on each other. Your sharpened communication skills and growing recognition of your partner’s needs and emotional state will empower you to soothe and regulate each other, strengthening your bond.
As you consider infidelity couples counseling, you may wonder. . .
Are you going to judge me or my sexual preferences?
I’ve struggled with compulsive sexual behaviors in the past as well, so I’m in no position to judge. Neither is it my role to impose my own moral opinions onto your life, but rather, I want to help you figure out and commit to whatever makes sense for you as a couple. If a particular behavior isn’t causing you any problems, feel free to continue it.
Is it really possible to save my marriage/relationship?
Ultimately, you and your partner must decide whether to continue your relationship. If you are both motivated to reconcile, there is an excellent chance that I can help you. Infidelity counseling helped me to restore what seemed like a doomed relationship with my partner. In addition to my personal success story, I’ve also helped couples in the worst of situations to avoid permanent separation and achieve a level of closeness beyond what they had even hoped for.
What if therapy doesn’t work?
Initially, you may only be focused on reconciling with your loved one. During therapy, however, you will likely realize that your addiction has also impacted other areas of your life, including your finances, career, and platonic relationships. Therapy can help you restore intimacy to your relationship after infidelity. But even if you and your partner ultimately part ways, engaging in therapy is still worth the investment because it can help you improve in many other areas.
Are You Ready To Transform Yourself, Your Relationship, And Your Life For The Better?
The decision to change your sexual behaviors and try to heal your relationship is up to you. When you’re motivated to take steps to stop your suffering, I’m confident that you will be the driver of your own change.
If you’re ready to banish your addiction and heal your relationship, contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation to discuss my infidelity couples counseling service. You can also visit my sexual addiction treatment and group therapy pages to learn about my multi-pronged approach to treatment.